i saw a dead cat in the street today. its mouth was gaping open and it was bloody. for some reason that made me really sad.

i'm so bored. everyone is studying today. i guess i should be too. it sucks when you have "free" time but no one to play with, makes me feel sad. i guess it reminds me of how lonely this place is. it makes me wish that i was like homer simpson. he's so simple minded, but he's so happy. i hate thinking so much, it just brings me down. i wish i could just be this simple minded person and be happy all the time.

even though i want to be happy for people, sometimes i get so jealous that they're doing so much better than i am. i get jealous that they aren't on the same level as i am and that they're moving on so easily with life, while i'm stuck in this place, fluctuating between hyperness and misery. it makes me go nuts sometimes when i see people genuinely smile and laugh, while for me it's such a struggle. i do want them to be happy, i really do, but it hurts that i can't get myself out of this pain. it makes me feel better when people suffer with me for some reason. i guess misery really does love company. sigh, selfish huh? i guess i throw people off my unhappy trail by always smiling and saying "yeah, everything's fine" and all that bs. i can't help it though, it's just a gut reaction to smile, say you're doing fine even when you're not, and go on like everything is all dandy. sometimes how are you supposed to respond to a question like, "how are you?"? and even if you answer semi-truthfully with something like, "not so good" it always seems like you gotta add "but i'll be ok." it's not like i can just dump my load on people. arr, somehow the question "how are you" should be banned. haha, cuz really, do you expect you're gonna get an honest answer most of the time? are people always "fine" or "ok" with life. sigh, maybe they really are and i'm just a psycho. i really do feel like sometimes i wish i didn't exist. i let myself believe that everyone's life would've been so much better if i hadn't existed. sigh...but i do exist, but i feel so worthless, and i feel like i just burden everyone and just screw up everything. i try to tell myself not to focus on negative things, but i can't just let myself repress everything and be miss perfect. so here is the truth when you ask me how i'm doing: i'm not doing fine. in fact, i'm doing horribly most days. each day is just a struggle to do what i have to do. i don't want to get out of my bed most days, and even when i'm out of bed, i don't want to be here. i am depressed. i do have morbid thoughts. i do feel worthless. i try to keep myself busy so i don't think about my pain, but it's always there in the back of my mind. some days are better than others, and some days i really do feel like i can tackle life. but in the end, i always end up like this. you would not know this unless i was really comfortable with you and you understood what this felt like. i hate being a statistic, but this falls under that category. i hate being cast aside like i don't matter, i hate being treated like i'm invisible, i hate trying so hard with other people and be rejected over and over, i hate that i feel this way, and i hate that i don't know how i got this way or why i am this way. i really hate it. but i guess i still keep going because there is hope. sigh... :(. so yeah, that's the answer when you ask me how i'm doing. sometimes i really am doing ok, sometimes i just feel nothing/numb, but in the end, i just end up feeling like this.

sigh...maybe i'll regret this entry later and delete it. but for now, i guess i'll just let my psycho ramblings stay on here.