maybe it's because it's my favorite season, but fall is going by so quickly. i don't know why dying leaves would make me so happy. i think i'm psycho, but i think i could never be too happy. i think maybe i'm better off always feeling that tinge of sadness. sigh...people from high school were right. i am daria morgendorfer, minus the popular cute sister, minus the affluent background, minus the skirt and boots. i think if i ever got too happy, my head would seriously explode from happiness overload. i imagine myself with tears running down my face if i ever got so happy, that everything in life was going the way i wanted, and everything was complete. but then again, if i ever achieve this state, disappointment would only follow, for what could compare to such a state. maybe it's best that i am this way, always just a little bit sad, always hoping for that excitement, dreaming...

i'm too cynical, but hey..., that's just the way i am. maybe autumn is the best season for me. everything is going into hibernation, it gets colder, leaves are falling,...something changes. maybe that's why i could never picture myself living in socal. it's always hot there, winter would not be winter, plus i don't think i would like looking at muggy skies all the time. i like the rain, i like cold winds, maybe it fits my nature. cold, distant, sunny, gray.

sometimes i feel like i'm trapped in some horrible movie, where people just go about their lives and i'm just some character in the background. i hear everyone, but no one hears me. maybe i'm just homesick, i miss being "pampered". i guess i just miss feeling special, unique, more than just a crappy resume, more than just a face, more than just some asian person @ berkeley, more than just a seat warmer. i feel like i have nothing to distinguish myself, i'm just some jane doe (only asian). sigh...i feel like crap. stupid me, always wanting something more...

if you read this entry up to this point....wow. this was more for me, than for you. anyway, forget all you read.